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The Colbert Report

Author Caitlin Flanagan.

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TOPIC FREQUENCY

Stephen 9, Us 4, Spokane 3, Matthew Mcconneghey 3, America 3, Media Access Group 2, Louisiana 2, Advil 2, Wgbh 2, Merrill Edge 2, Chuck Duprey 2, Bank Of America 2, Larry 2, Chuck 2, Los Angeles 1, Bum 1, Chors Plaus 1, Barby 1, You Va 1, Nascars 1,
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  Comedy Central    The Colbert Report    Author Caitlin Flanagan.  

    March 4, 2014
    1:31 - 2:03am PST  

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it can strike at any time. and once you feel it coming, it's almost too late. or is it? introducing new, fast acting advil. it's built for speed. with an ultra-thin coating and fast absorbing advil ion core™ technology, nothing works faster to stop pain in its tracks before it gets worse. new fast acting advil. look for it in the white box.
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cause. >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> he only had one summer the
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phillies. there's goes a couple of plows demonstrating what i -- ready to go. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have i with us. whooo! folks, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. folks, thank you for being here tonight. i don't know about you. sometimes it feel-- i pite be the only one-- but folks, i am still glowing from the oscars. it was a magical evening which might still be going on. it was pretty long. (laughter) personally, i love oscar night because it gynes-- combines my two favorite things, competition and formal wear. that's why i also love ice dancing and the ufc's tangling tuxedos. so pain deserving winners last night. but of course the biggest winner of the evening was slavery. >> and the oscar goes to "12
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years a slave". >> i would like to thank the academy, thank you so much. i dedicate this award to all the people who have endured slavery. >> stephen: yes, this is a vicry for all those who endured slavery. send the resounding message for us. we're even now. okay? (laughter) because while it was bad, it was bad, okay t was bad and we did it, but slavery beat the things america loves most. astronauts, tom hanks and jonah hill yanking it. (laughter) and since the terrible evil of slavery resulted in a best picture oscar, that means ultimately, slavery has a happy ending. (laughter) just like the draj dee of the titanic. if those people had lived to hear celine dion sing that song, i'm sure they gladly
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would drowned themselves. folks, it wasn't just slavery t wasn't just slavery that got its long overdue recognition so, did matthew mcconneghey. he took home best actor for his role in dallas buyers club and i have been a mcconnaehead photographer forever. he is only subject whoever has been honored with two word segments on the report. sorry, afghanistan, try doing some more crunches. so folks, it's not just me who is inspired by matthew mcconneghey so, is matthew mcconneghey. >> when i was 15 years old hi a very important person in my life said who is your hero. i said i have to think, give me a couple weeks, i come back, he said who is your hero. i thought about it, it's me in ten years. so i turned 25. ten years later. that same person comes to me and says are you a hero. and i was like not even close. no, no, no. she said why i said because pie hero is me at 35. so every day, every week,
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every month and every year of my life, my hero is always ten years away. >> stephen: only matthew mcconneghey has the humility to admit that however great he seems now, he's only getting better. (laughter) jk living, my friend. nation, check your calendars, we're only 250 days away from the midterm elections which are going be a referendum on at fordable care act also known as obamacare. this is going to be great for republicans because we've all horde about the lives the affordable care act has ruined. like the story of republican den mother kathy mcmorris rogers told during her response to the state of the union. >> i not long ago i got a letter from bette in spokane who had hoped the 39's health care law would save her money. but found out instead her premiums were going up nearly $700 a month. >> stephen: $700 a month. at that rate bette in
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spokane is never going to be able to afford that last name transplant. and when the spokane spokesman review tracked bette down, the paper revealed that bette refused to look for a less expensive option because, quote, i wouldn't go on the obama web site at all. there's another flaw of the obamacare web site. you have to go on it to use it. (laughter) that's how they get you. (applause) now folks, poor bette is not alone. in fact so, many obamacare horror stories have been debunked at this point that the los angeles times speculated that maybe there are no genuine obamacare horror stories. yeah, or maybe there were until the death panels got them. now luckily, americans for prosperity has a new anti-obamacare aad with heart-wrenching personal stories.
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>> dear mrs. kelly, your family plan is no longer available under the affordable care act. >> dear miss davis, question no longer offer you the same policy. the doctor is no longer in the network due to the affordable care act. >> due to the affordable care ago your montly premium has increased. >> stephen: folks, i wish these stories weren't true. and msnbc is trying to grant my wish. >> they're really trying to show you, real images of real people losing their insurance. just one problem. all these people you see in the ads, are paid actors. they're just pretending to be victims. >> stephen: and al sharpton should know because he's just pretending to be a journalist. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. okay. so those are actors and those letters they're reading are works of fiction. but as an american for prosperity spokesman told abc news, in contrast to the
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story of a real voter, this ad is meant to be representative of americans from all walks of life. nass's right. the ad isn't based on anyone's real story. it's based on everyone's-- fake story. but just because a that ad uses ackers doesn't mean there aren't real people suffering because of obama care. an i found one, employees welcome actual louisiana resident chuck due prey, mr. due prey, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> mr. duprey, thank you so much for joining us. >> well, hello, stephen. as we like to say in nawlins,
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salutations. >> stephen: thanks for being here. i have to ask you first, are you an actor? >> no, i have never-- i'm the average american joe who prefers to crack open a domestic beer and watch the nascars. (laughter) >> stephen: okay, he's not an actor. he's not an actor. he would have to tell me. that's the law. so what is it you do down there in louisiana. >> i'm a workman down on the job side which explains these hands good and gnarled like my daddies. >> stephen: that's a good back story. >> thank you. >> stephen: (laughter) chors plaus. >> stephen: sadly the brisk inviting salty air has struck me with a severe case of fisherman's foot for
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which there is no cure. >> stephen: but chuck, surely you have insurance. >> i did, stephen, until recently. i should have known. coming home from the workplace my foot was throbbing which is a portent of ill news. peering into the post box i discovered a letter revealing that the terrible truth. my monthly payments once lower than a well digger's heel had suddenly risen up like the roadway which claimed the life of my brother jacob. it was his 8th birthday. was he the lucky one? and it's all because of the affordable care-- line! (applause)
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>> line. i am trying, dammit! (cheers and applause) >> the affordable care act, yes, i've got it now. thank you. oh, boys, let me embrace you. before death embraces me. >> stephen: are these your sons. >> yes, sir. this is my son thomas and this is thomas's understudy thomas. (laughter) >> poppa, you look sick. >> what? your daddy's as strong as a bear. now you boys run along and you help your mother dig the hole. (laughter) as for me, stephen, my disease is advancing
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rapidly. this is where i say farewell. >> stephen: no, chuck, no, are you in pain? >> the only thing that hearts me, stephen, is knowing america will be living with a health-care system based on state run insurance exchanges. re. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: chuck duprey, everybody. >> thank you. (cheers and applause)
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up. a short word that's a tall order. up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up. up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improving everything from booking to baggage claim. we're raising the bar on flying and tomorrow we will up it yet again. >> thank you so much, welcome back. nation, if you check your calendars then you'll know that march is women's history month. and there is no greater example in how far women have come. the annual "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue.
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swimsuit issue has long been a bastion of civil rights from the occasional black mod told that one girl who was under 5, 10. and this year they have achieved a new milestone. >> barby is posing for sports illustrate's 50th swimsuit issue. >> the magazine crafted a promo campaign around the iconic doll. >> inside the magazine top swimsuit models and barby dolls strike a pose. >> stephen: folks this is the perfect thing for any man whoever picked up a swimsuit issue and say i wish it would photture more things that remind me of my daughter. but sadly there are haters out there who want to crush barbie's malibu dreamhouse. >> a barbie doll doesn't have i place in a men's magazine. in a men's magazine that is dedicated to sexualizing women. >> having barbie, a little girl's toy on the front cover only says to further sexualization of giferls, further the-- of women. >> stephen: no, this is the
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exact opposite of the object education of women strkts womenification of objects. but folks-- i don't have to sit here and defend barbie. because barbie can defend herself as she wrote with her tiny glued together fingers in a full page "new york times" ad, quote t is time to stop boxing in potential. be free to launch a career in a swimsuit, lead a company while gorgeous or wear pink to an interview at m.i.t. the reality of today is that girls can go anywhere and be anything. exactly. "sports illustrated" swimsuit issues are about achieving women's dreams, of being a desert explorer or an astronaut or hiding under the mattress of a 13-year-old boy. (cheers and applause) and folks, when it comes to dreams, not only does barbie have "sports illustrated" back, sports illustrate's got hers. >> inside did not respond to
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our request for comment but in their press release said swimsuit has delivered a message of empowerment, strength and bultee. >> stephen: yes, empowerment. because there's nothing more empowering to a model than being replaced by a piece of plastic. and barby is a great role model for models. >> in some ways the perfect model. she doesn't blink s she doesn't move. she takes direction, takes instructions. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, she doesn't blink, she doesn't move. she's too busy being empowered to talk. and folks,-- (applause) >> stephen: and folks, to prove that the "sports illustrated" swimsuit cover is not about unrealistic body image or sexualization of children's toys, i am calling on sports illustrated to make next year's cover model mrs. potato head. (cheers and applause)
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because he is the perfect model. you can change your features without plastic surgery. you can put her eyes on top of her head. you can put her nose where her ears are. and talk about silent f she gives you any lip, you can remove her lip. and if there's any part of her the photographer doesn't like, you can just put it right up her butt. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ switch to t-mobile we'll pay your family's early termination fees
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>> my guest tonight as a writer for the-- called the dark-- might be breaking out my paddle, please welcome cate caitlin flanagan. good to see you again. thanks for coming. oh, thank you for coming back. >> thanks for having me back. >> now as i said, you are a
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wroir for the atlantic, you have a couple of previews. you got a new article in the atlanta called the fraternity problem. it's worse than you think. the dark power of fraternitis. what is the dark power of fraternitis? i know about the bright strength of fraternities. that allows men to bond with each other. >> well, it's part of that great strength that leads to the dark side. because they're so powerful in college administrations they're able to get away with lots of things that are ultimately very dangerous to our young men and i thought i would highlight that in this article. >> stephen: what could be dangerous. i was an sae at dartmouth. and all we did was good works like the occasional food drive and then-- and then, you know, during pledge week we passed a grease 45 record from ass cheek to ass cheek in the basement.
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>> yes. >> stephen: and that's just bonding. is it because you're a woman and you don't understand the way men-- i'm just saying, no, no. i mean sororities are good too. were you in a sorority. >> i was actually a founding member of a sorority so i'm not entirely opposed to the greek life. >> stephen: no you're part of the problem, evidently. >> stephen: okay. >> i thought it was time to become a business of a solution so i thought it was time to shine a bit of a bright light into the negative sides of fraternity life. >> stephen: i have my researchers look into this, 85% of all supreme court justices since 1910 have been frat members. >> yes. >> stephen: 85% of fortune 500 executives are frat members. >> that's right. >> stephen: so it must be good guys. because-- (laughter) i mean you know what they say, nice guys become the heads of fortune 500 companies. >> yes, well there are men who are extremely admirable who belonged to fraternities with is a great history of leadership and promoting business and politics and the law, but there are
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certain sort of traditions within fraternities that are aligned with a bad instinct. >> stephen: okay, bum me out, bum me out. come on. >> okay there is a violent hazing which has really scarred and injured many young men over the course of many decades. >> stephen: but it's done with love, okay. those are my bros. >> right. i understand. >> stephen: my bros. we didn't have fraternities who would i call brosef or broham. >> that's true. i'm sorry. >> stephen: what am i doing. dow want a beer? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, yes. >> stephen: thank you very much, it's all foam, i'm sorry about that. uh-huh. >> see you could do a keg stand now and show that-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: or, or you could. >> well-- i was in a sorority after all but my
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son is here tonight so i won't go that far. >> stephen: okay. (cheers and applause) cuss that take you back. >> it's horrible. >> stephen: does that take back. >> never a beer drinker. but anything for the show. >> stephen: did you-- where did you go to college. >> university of virginia. >> stephen: you va, that has a serious frat system there i spent a lot of time in the phi cap house. >> okay, upstairs. >> stephen: sure, upstairs, downstairs, everywhere in that house, right there on that rugby field. >> the quad. did you ever spend any time down there. >> well, you know, it's interesting when i was an undergraduate i was explicitly told even by the administration at uva to never go upstairs in a fraternity house unless i had sober companions with me because there was so much rape in the fraternity houses and that is something that hasn't changed over the year there is still sexual assault. not all fraternitis. >> stephen: i know, now are you playing the sexual
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assault card. >> and now i lose. i think you have-- i think you've had enough of that. (applause) >> stephen: so i mean how widespread is the dark power of frat? is there a redeeming factor to them? >> well, there certainly is. if you are in a good from attorney wit tremendous leadership training, mentoring it, they do millions of hours of community service. millions of dollars for worthy causes so when fraternities are done in a good way, if they're alcohol problem is not bad, they're wonderful organizations. but they can be extremely dangerous age even devastating to the young people who party there. >> stephen: do you think anything will be done to tone down the party culture of frats? because you know, that's what people join frats for, isn't it? it's like ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ drink blooep drink
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[bleep] drink [bleep]. (cheers and applause) caitlin flanagan, the atlantic. atlantic. we'll be right back. capital letters mean business. or maybe that sign, with all it's mighty force. is nature's way of weeding out the timid. you never know where fortune leads. new miller fortune. undistilled with a smooth finish for spirited nights. transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an "underserved season". and before he quit his friend's leaf-raking business for "not offering a 401k." larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement.
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remember your training. your whole life has been leading to this moment. [ blows ] [ woman shrieks ] ♪ >> before we go, folks it, i want you to remember that you have only four more weeks to see chuck duprey in the role of a lifetime as patrick stewart along with ian mccallon in waiting for godot at the court theatre here in new york. see it quick. before chuck succumbs to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, and twitter still won't shut up about last night's oscars. of course i couldn't watch because i was busy hostin